No. 3 KEVIN

Due to recent success I decided to once again visit the Myer Center Food Court to find my next victim.

I also decided to stop referring to these people as victims.
This is for two reasons.

First, I don’t want you think I plan to kill them. You may get excited, become under the impression this is a tale of blood-fest and horror, find that it isn’t and all I did was have coffee with them, become furious and demand I pay for your time.

Secondly victim implies these people are not willing counterparts and have been physically forced into our exchange beyond their fancy. This is certainly not the case and I like to think they may even enjoy themselves. I guess I can’t guarantee this, hey they may not enjoy themselves at all, but at least they can say they’ve had a FREE coffee that day and heck how many people can rest their heads on their pillow saying that?

Maybe quite a few but at least they have an interesting story to tell at work or at a party or to their wife during dinner. Even if the story begins with the words .. "Boy I met this absolute dick-finger today…."

If No.3 ‘Kevin’ does indeed use such a phrase to describe me then I will feel quite bad as he didn’t even get a free coffee out of it.
"Sure you can meet me," he said with a smile. "But don’t worry about the coffee."
This was a great start to our meeting and immediately I had a good feeling about him. I think this may have had something to do with the fact I’d just saved myself 6 bucks.

What made me approach Kevin in the first place was that he was looking at a map. Part of me hoped he was an explorer or an archaeologist and that by meeting him we would end up having an adventurous journey involving ancient ruins, stolen artifacts, spiders, Mummies and Sean Connery’s beard.

Then I got excited! He had luggage too! YES! He WAS going on an adventurous journey! But as I got closer I saw the map was just of Adelaide bus-routes.
DAMN! At least I was right about the journey. It was just a far less exciting one involving pubic transport.

But there could still be stolen artifacts involved! They were just most likely to be from Cash Converters than from a temple. And there could still be beards! But they were just more likely to belong to some old Italian ladies rather than Sean Connery.

It turned out that Kevin’s journey actually involved a trip to Olympic Dam.
Exactly what Kevin was doing there or what he does in general was a bit hard to comprehend and to be honest I don’t think I’ve got my head around it.
It’s something about computers. Yep. Computers. And slightly more sophisticated than playing solitaire.

Based in Sydney, Kevin works for a company that builds and maintains the infrastructure, cabling and networking of computer systems for large corporations. His mission to Olympic Damn involved setting up a computer workstation in the control-room of a mining site there.
I must’ve looked confused because he pulled out a very intriguing floor plan of the control-room for me to have a look at. I’d never seen a floor plan of a control room before and I immediately fantasised we were secret agents plotting our next dangerous mission. YES! AWESOME! I was in tight black latex crawling through an air conditioning duct and I could see infra-red trick alarms which I would have to dodge using stealthy acrobatics taught to me by an ancient Jujitsu master in Tibet. And part of this whole espionage for me was about avenging my masters death. Ruthless drug-embezzling barstards! You will pay!! He brought me up like a father!! Me and Agent Kevin will make you sorry! Dojo Xiang-Chen I will avenge you! With honor! I love you my dear teacher!

I realised I was staring off into space. Apparently there are cultures on this planet who consider this a sign of rudeness so I stopped fantasising and reluctantly returned my attention once again to Kevin. But as a compromise I still pretended to be wearing black latex.

THE KEVIN FACT FILE
AGE: 63
STATUS: Separated with two children.

FAVORITE SONG: None in particular but likes the sounds of John Farnham

FAVORITE MOVIE: Die Hard. (Suddenly the espionage fantasy didn’t seem so inappropriate and I was sure Kevin too had been fantasising.)

FAVORITE YEAR OF LIFE: 1999. WHY: In this year Kevin was apart of the team behind designing and installing the computer systems used in the running of the Olympic Games. Computer equipment used in events such as the regatta and triathlon was all thanks to our man Kevin.

GOAL FOR NEXT 12 MONTHS: To retire.

SOMETHING THAT EXCITES KEVIN IS: Designing and getting involved in ideas.

SOMETHING THAT PISSES KEVIN OFF IS: People not wanting to pay you for the work you’ve done.

A BELIEF KEVIN WOULD INSTILL IN PEOPLE IF HE HAD THE POWER OF BRAINWASHING IS: To be yourself.

A QUESTION KEVIN DECIDED TO ASK ME WAS… "How is this whole thing working out for you?"
ANSWER: It’s interesting. I’m wondering why on Earth I’m doing this.. but it’s still fun so I’m going to keep doing it.

THOUGHTS WHEN I INITIALLY ASKED HIM FOR COFFEE: That I wanted something and that I was probably going to give him a little card with a religious message on it.

THOUGHTS AFTERWARDS: That it was good to meet me.

OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT KEVIN!:
*Kevin looks like newsreader Kevin Crease.
*Kevin had an operation 6 months ago which prevented a heart problem that both his mother and sister died of when they too were exactly 63 years of age! Freaky!
"Well that was lucky!" I said. "Looks like you won!"
Kevin looked at me.
I suddenly realized what I’d said was in poor taste. I’d basically made fun of his dead family. Shit. What was he going to do? Suddenly he began to open his mouth. Oh no! Was he going to yell at me?! Cry?! Have a go at MY dead family. I just wouldn’t cope if he started on my beloved Dojo Xiang-Chen.
Luckily what came out of Kevin’s mouth was a hearty laugh and I breathed a sigh of relief.
*Kevin laughs when he should be offended.
*Kevin’s son has just moved to Adelaide.
Ahoy Kevin’s son, we people of Adelaide welcome you to our lands!

I left Kevin and my new imaginary leotard behind feeling quite positive. This was becoming a lot of fun. Yes maybe it was still an odd thing to be doing, but who cares! It’s positive, it’s fun and maybe it’s even encouraging a sense of trust and community in the city. And that surely is a good thing particularly when you don't consider other people as 'victims' on any level.

Until Next Time,
Mark and Kevin

No.2 ‘MARK AS WELL’

Yes that’s right. No.2’s name is also Mark. Thought I better clear this up now just in case you thought I’d given up on this idea and started taking myself out for coffees instead.
Not that isn’t an enjoyable or interesting experience. I sit at a table on my own and look at the wall and stuff. It’s great reading it really is…but this isn’t the time for that. This time is for a man I call ‘Mark As well.’

But before meeting Mark As well, I had my first ‘No.’ Personally I was quite surprised! Just to look at him I thought he’d be up for it. He had long dark hair, was frowning slightly, quite nerdy and was reading a comic book. I thought he’d be the outgoing type. Oh well.

Mark As well was sitting in the Myer Centre food court right next to an Optus phone kiosk. He was wearing a nice blue shirt and was eating a muffin and my first thought was that he worked in the Optus kiosk and loved his job so much that he took his breaks as close to his work as possible.
He said yes to a coffee without hesitation and as I came back with two flat whites I realised I hadn’t properly introduced myself yet.
But as I put the coffees down on the table he quickly piped, " Hey my name’s Mark as well."
Suddenly I was puzzled. I guess I had introduced myself.
Then he asked ‘So, what was your name?’
I was confused. "Mark.." I said. "As well.’
"As well?"
"As well."
Mmm. I decided not to press the issue. Mark As well didn’t work for Optus. He’d just finished a law degree and was on work experience in the Legal Aid department for the The Institute of Aboriginal Affairs.

HERE’S THE MARK FACT FILE:
AGE: 24
STATUS: Single.
FAVORITE SONG: Adagio for strings- Samuel Barbel/The Nothing Song- Sigur Ros.
FAVORITE FILM: One Flew Over the Cukoos Nest.
FAVORITE BOOK: Brave New World- Aldous Huxley
FAVORITE YEAR OF LIFE: Nov 2005-2006. WHY: Previously Mark has been shy and a bit of a hermit. But thanks to an increase in activities such as public speaking, Mark has challenged his comfort zone and experienced a year of great personal growth.

GOAL FOR NEXT 12 MONTHS: To attain his driver’s license.

SOMETHING THAT EXCITES MARK IS: People standing up for an unpopular idea because they believe it’s the right thing.

Suddenly I was frightened. Who did he mean by people with unpopular ideas? People like Hitler? Chairman Mao? Or even worse, Jesse McArtney or James Blunt? But this fear turned into glee at the prospect I may have someone who’d support me in my idea to find surfaces that are accompanied by "Caution. Slippery When Wet" and re-pathe them using Bon Jovi albums.
(Get it? ‘Slippery When Wet??’ Ha ha. sorry.)

SOMETHING THAT PISSES MARK OFF IS: The amount of hair his sister’s new dog leaves around the house.

A BELIEF MARK WOULD INSTILL IN PEOPLE IF HE HAD THE POWER OF BRAINWASHING IS: To not hurt one another.

A QUESTION MARK DECIDED TO ASK ME WAS… "Do you think this project of yours is going to work?"
ANSWER: I’m not sure. It’s only the beginning. It’s been fun and I’ve been getting a lot of interesting ideas out of it, but I don’t want people to think I’m just using them for material.

THOUGHTS WHEN I INITIALLY ASKED HIM FOR COFFEE: That I had chronic shyness or a social phobia and that I had asked him for a coffee as an exercise my shrink had set me and that he’d better say yes or I might get crushed and spend the rest of the night under my bed.

THOUGHTS AFTERWARDS: Good, interesting and that more stuff like this should happen.

OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT MARK AS WELL!!
* Mark finds a cow covered with poisonous spikes more threatening than a man- eating lion that can only walk backwards.
*It was Mark’s birthday! (What a great present I must have been!)
*Mark obviously likes to treat himself to a muffin on his birthday.
*Mark is a vegetarian because he once saw David Beckham wearing kangaroo skin boots. I’m assuming this was on the TV and not at his local Bi-lo. Because it’s fairly likely David Beckham would wear something more comfortable like sneakers or ugg boots at Bi-lo.

I walked out of the Myer Centre together chuckling at Mark’s idea that I could be so socially inept that I might sleep under my bed. I wondered if that’s where the long harried comic nerd was going to sleep tonight. Not because I’m insinuating he has social problems, but because it looked like he was reading a scary comic and that’s where I always sleep when I get scared. Well since my parents have refused to let me sleep in their bed anyway.

Until next time,
Mark and Mark As well.

No.1 GREG.

YES!! It starts. The gun has fired and I have begun the race!
I bought my first stranger a coffee! Actually it’s not a race at all. I don’t why I made the analogy. I just like the idea of firing a gun to start this off.
Not a real gun of course I just pointed my index finger in the air and made a ‘bbscoooh" noise.
Awesome noises aside, here is how I met my first stranger..

I was walking around town for almost half an hour going into different café’s looking for someone to have coffee with. How on Earth was I going to approach someone?How the hell was I ACTUALLY going to do this?? And why the hell was anyone going to agree to do it?!
I was starting to feel very nervous, apprehensive and extremely negative about the whole thing. The way someone might feel just before they are about to be shot out of a cannon. Though far worse because I wasn’t wearing a helmet.

I studied the loads of people sitting outside Café Buongiorno but no one seemed approachable! They either looked to busy or too serious or to crazy or kissing someone or were a dog or had glasses or had hair.
See NO ONE looked approachable! I decided this was just a dumb idea and I decided to give up.

THE END.

So there you go. I know it didn’t last long but hey.. we all have stupid ideas don’t we.
As I’d fully accepted my defeat I briefly glanced once more at the kissing couple, the dog and a man with hair and smiled at the idea of not bothering them.
Though the man with hair was sitting more inside the café, than outside of it.
Though actually… his table wasn’t really inside the café enough to be outside. But yet not really outside enough to be inside it. Do you follow?
I kept walking. But then I stopped.

I took a second look. Outside or inside I wondered. DAMN him he was both!! Or was he neither! It infuriated me! Even more infuriating was the fact he didn’t seem bothered by it at all! How could he be so calm about sitting like that?! Can you believe it?! I was going to have to run over and drag his table a few inches for him! But what way would I drag it?!? Further inside or outside?!! Damn it!! I was about to die!! I could feel it! Then he made eye contact with me and I realised that I was staring and that I had to stop or he’d call the police or the army or my mother.
But I had to do something. And then it dawned on me! That something was surely to ask him for coffee! So I did. And he smiled and said without hesitation ‘sure.’

Not quite inside-not quite outside man was slim with a ponytail and a kind face.
I decided to call Not quite inside-not quite outside man NQINQOM for short.
I then shortened that to Greg. Conveniently this was his name.

Greg was working on an astrology chart for his friend’s mother when I met him.
As well as an astrologer, Greg is also a professional illustrator and is the guy who does the pictures in those ‘How to Draw’ books. Not only that, Greg can play guitar quite well and aspires to branch into photography and screenwriting!
I presume he will start a business where you go to him for an astrology reading and rather than just telling your future he actually delivers it in the form of an animated cartoon musical adventure and then takes photos of you as you watch it.

THE GREG FACT FILE
AGE: 37
STATUS: Single
FAVORITE SONG: None
FAVORITE MOVIE: None
FAVORITE BOOK: None

Right now Greg must look like a rather negative person. Or boring as batshite.
Rather, Greg actively refrains from judging the quality of a piece of art over another preferring to appreciate the work in its own right. Therefore you probably will not see Greg as a judge on Australian Idol any time soon.

GOAL FOR THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: To achieve semi-professional work as a photographic artist.

SOMETHING THAT PISSES GREG OFF IS manipulative forces. Mainly those in authority in such areas as government and the music industry who manipulate artists and people to fit a certain ideal rather than allow them full expression.

SOMETHING THAT EXCITES GREG IS: Beautiful women.
Granted, men like women. The survival of our race depends on it. Then there’s Greg.
A man who believes the human female form at its point of maturity is the single most beautiful phenomenon in the universe. For over twenty minutes Greg passionately justified his fascination using Indian philosophy, intelligent design theory and his own illustrations (yes illustrations!) which he pulled out of a yellow folder. After his genuine and very sincere speech I could see that appreciating all the girls of the world was merely my conquest as a male specimen and I immediately forgave myself for all the times I’d picked up at the Arkaba.

A BELIEF GREG WOULD INSTILL IN PEOPLE IF HE HAD THE POWER OF BRAINWASHING IS: To realise they are as equally powerful and have equal potential to achieve the same heights as the next person.

A QUESTION GREG DECIDED TO ASK ME WAS… "So do you do standup do you?"
ANSWER: Yes. Yes I do. (Probably accompanied with a wink and click of the finger)

THOUGHTS WHEN I INITIALLY ASKED HIM FOR COFFEE: That he was very open to it and often meets people in a similar random manner.

OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT GREG!
*Greg knows someone who’s a friend of actor/comedian Jim Carey.
*Greg prefers not to have his photo taken. He fears it will steal his energy.
*Greg ordered a weak cuppaccino

I was very, very happy with my first coffee with a stranger. Yeah. This was a good thing to be doing. Conversation came very easily and there was loads more I wanted to ask but ran out of time! In fact so genuinely engaging was my time with Greg that I completely forgot to address how he could stand being neither inside or outside the café.
As I walked away I came to a shocking realisation! I to had been not quite inside or outside the café! For an entire hour and a half! What the buggers?!? How could I do this without losing my freakin’ mind?!
Wow. I had a feeling I’d grow somewhat by starting this project. But not like this!

It felt good! Empowered!

So now if you walk down a street and see someone sitting not quite inside or outside a café nodding at you with a huge smile on their face you’ll know it is me. Or Greg if he’s with a beautiful woman. Though it may not be Greg because such things don’t seem to phase him. Further you probably wont notice anyway because you’re not a freak and only a freak would even take the time to ponder something like that.

Until next time,
Mark and Greg.