No.7 PAUL

Last week I found this T-shirt!

In a shop I mean. Not on the ground or on someone’s washing line.

I was trying to meet strangers and here was a T-shirt that said ‘World Without Strangers.’

At first it upset me deeply!! I didn’t want a ‘World Without Strangers!’

How could I do this project if there were no freakin’ strangers for me to have freakin coffee with!!

"World Without Strangers?" Bah! Someone was obviously trying to ruin my life and happiness by trying to create peace and love on Earth. I would have to find them and kill them. It was the only way I’d be content. I felt like a crusader! I was like Skeletor fighting the evil forces of He-man!
Hahahahahahaaaaaaa!

And it was after that maniacal gay laugh that I realised I was completely crazy.
I was no Skeletor. I did want peace and harmony and all those nice things. I was He-man!! Actually considering my scrawny physique I was more like "World Vision Boy."
But though my body wasn’t as big as Heman's, my heart sure was!
So I embraced the "World Without Strangers" shirt and came to a realisation that my project was really an ambassador for this way of thinking. I realised that by buying strangers coffee I WAS making a "World Without Strangers."
I was actively taking a stand in the sort world I wanted to live in. Suddenly I felt this whole project had purpose now.
Before it felt weird. It was still weird, but now I felt like I had a greater picture. I couldn’t wait to approach my next stranger. And you wouldn’t believe it.. it was far easier than you could imagine. Because rather than approaching them…my next stranger approached me! Brilliant!

I was in Hudsons Coffee and had just sat down in one of the comfy chairs.
I was very happy with myself at scoring a comfy chair and a young tall man also sitting in a comfy chair smiled politely obviously congratulating us both on our wise choice of chairs.

I turned on my laptop to do some work when the man interrupted saying he’d seen me perform my comedy act. I dug this! I think it’s a real positive thing to acknowledge a stranger you know or know something about! Why not? You’re bound to get a favorable response.
Unless of course your acknowledgement is based on something like "I’ve been stalking you and have seen you naked." Or "I’ve kidnapped all of your children."
Or "I’m your brother," when they already know you are their brother as they see you every second day thus making the acknowledgement quite redundant.

It turned out the man, whose name was Paul, was up for a bit of a chat. We got into a lengthy discussion about comedy and apprenticeships and travelling and older women and my anger over how the song ‘Sarah’ by ‘Eskimo Joe’ sounds annoyingly similar to the theme song from ‘Never Ending Story!’
It dawned on me Paul would be a great candidate for ‘Can I Get You A Coffee.’
But I liked the randomness of the conversation without it having to be apart of the project and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be up for it.
So I decided to leave it.
But then I noticed he had a book called "How to Make Friends and Influence People," which he said he was reading because he wanted to broaden his social network.
What was I thinking? Of course I had to ask him! Who more perfect than a guy who actually wanted to meet new people!? It was as if there was a giant NEON sign with the words "MARK TRENWITH’s SOMEWHAT WEIRD PROJECTS AND IDEAS WELCOME HERE!" pointing to his head.
So I introduced him to the world of "Can I Get You A Coffee."
So how did he respond???

Here’s the PAUL fact file! THAT’S HOW!

AGE: 26
STATUS: Seeing Someone.
FAVORITE SONG: JJJ music
FAVORITE FILM: Departed/Bad Boy Bubby
FAVORITE BOOK: The Hobbit
FAVORITE YEAR OF LIFE: 1999. WHY: Because it’s a Prince Song.
No not really. Because it was his first year out of high school and it provided him with a feeling of independence and grownupness.
(Disclaimer: ‘grownupness’ most likely not a word.)

GOAL FOR NEXT 12 MONTHS: To develop a bigger group of social friends and complete the next level of his apprenticeship as an electrician.

I realised I was actually helping Paul achieve his goal!! Some of you must be wondering if I had suddenly made plans to go off and complete an electricians apprenticeship, start my own business and then employ Paul. No. Way to easy.
No I’m talking about the other goal. Just by interacting right then and there I was actually expanding Paul’s social group. I felt proud! Then I realised it was he who had approached me. All I did was sit down. He was achieving his own goal there.
Looks like I’ll be doing that apprenticeship after all.

SOMETHING THAT EXCITES PAUL IS: Fishing.

I’d never considered fishing to be exciting. Mm. Obviously Paul knows something I don’t.

SOMETHING THAT PISSES PAUL OFF IS: His ex-girlfriend.

A BELIEF PAUL WOULD INSTILL IN PEOPLE IF HE HAD THE POWER OF BRAINWASHING IS: To cease worshiping money so much. It is the route of all evil to Paul.
I disagreed. I thought Skeletor was a far more evil adversary. I’d never seen a bunch of 5 cent pieces try to defeat He-man. But I decided not to press the issue.

OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT PAUL

*Paul doesn’t find a Tyranosaurus Rex who lives on Jupiter but wants to kill you as threatening as a mosquito who lives on Earth.

*Paul was in the Army

*Paul was in Amway.

I realised both these institutions sounded quite similar. I wondered if the reason he was no longer apart of either was because one day he got the two mixed up and tried to attack some Turkish soldiers with some cleaning products and lunchboxes. Or worse knocked on some old ladies door and then accidentally shot her with a rifle.

*Paul used to work at the same place as my Dad.
(Most probably the reason he quit.)

I was really happy with this interaction despite the fact it wasn’t the conventional way I came across my strangers! And then later that night I was overjoyed to find he had emailed me! I thought he was supposed to be out at dinner with his girlfriend??
I liked to think that he had stood her up to email me. Or better, that they were still on the date and that sending me an email was making them somewhat more aroused.
Paul had emailed with an answer to a profile question he’d forgotten to tell me! I thought that was fantastic! Paul had just gone from great to brilliant in my eyes! He also said he’d looked at my site and asked me if I wanted a beer!
Of course I bloody wanted a beer! I love beer!
I was so excited that my giant Pumba doll fell off my desk and knocked wine all over my computer!
Shit! I was going to be screwed! So I tried to drain my computer by holding it upside down, letting the wine spill out!!
Then the space bar stopped working!! Shit! Crap! Balls! Luckily it’s fine now which I guess is obvious or you wouldn’t be reading this. And now I get a little bit drunk every time I use my computer thanks to the aroma of wine that gets released every time I tap on the keys. So I better end this entry here before I come on to you, say something rude about your mother or jump on the table and start dancing to Bon Jovi with my pants down. I'll leave you with that vision.

Until next time,
Mark and Paul.

No. 6 ANDREW

Hello and welcome to my latest entry. Lovely day isn’t it!

This week my search for strangers lead me to Westfield Marion.
It was my first outing since just before Christmas when I had a disastrous time being rejected by 5 people in a row including a guy who thought I was some psycho trying to drug him.

I felt like Rocky returning to the ring to fight after receiving a serious pounding.
But this was far worse because I wasn’t wearing a mouth-guard for protection.
As I paced the mall over and over I began to feel ill. I’d peer into cafes but just couldn’t bring myself to approach anyone. It was too hard. My metaphorical Rocky scars and bruises burned furiously every time I went near anyone.

So I just gave up. I was knocked out without even trying! I got a coffee at Hudsons by myself and did a bit of work on my laptop.
Minutes later a stocky bald man wearing a TinTin t-shirt sat down behind me and began to read. A book. (Sorry thought I’d better clear that up.)
I thought seriously about approaching him. But no! I’d already given up! I was finished! Down for the count!

Twenty minutes went by and I just couldn’t concentrate. I kept looking back to see what he was doing. Mostly he would swap positions or undo then reapply the velcro straps on his sandals. He did this about six times.
I became painfully aware that counting how many times a complete stranger adjusts his sandals was a pretty weird thing to be doing.
I was kidding myself I had to approach him. NO! I couldn’t! I’d thrown in the towel! Game over! Besides half an hour had past he’d be going soon anyway.
Then I watched him undo his sandal again. That was 7 now.
This was ridiculous! I had to get out of here. But wait! This time he didn’t redo the strap! He took his whole sandal off! He was definitely NOT going soon! He was just getting comfortable! I had no more excuses.

I sighed heavily. Suddenly I got a message from No.5 Morgan asking if I’d like to catch up again! Would I?? Of course I bloody would! The message brought an instant smile to my face! Suddenly I was reinvigorated! It was like Morgan was Mickey the trainer, pumping me up and telling me to get back out there and fight!

So up I jumped! I threw off my robe and I thrust my fist right into the mans face! His entire jaw cracked and filled with blood as my hard knuckles knocked him out cold! Success! I was a hero again!
Of course this is just a metaphor for me politely asking the man if he’d like a coffee and him immediately offering me a seat! Before I’d even finished asking in fact!
Andrew must have been in a meeting strangers mood as he’d just had lunch in town with another stranger who he’d met over the internet in an ‘I-river’ chat room.
Andrew wasn’t actually ‘really’ from Adelaide.
When I asked him where he was ‘really’ from he answered with ‘everywhere.’
Right. This hadn’t narrowed things down much.
He’d just come from Hobart where he was teaching English and was in Adelaide to spend Christmas with his mother before jetting off to Korea to teach more English.

Andrew traveled a lot, in fact when he was 19 he spent 18 months hitchhiking around Australia! Wow! I would’ve given up after a day! But to stand out there for 18 months! That’s passionate that is!
Andrew quickly told me he’d actually taken several rides over that 18 month period and that in reality if it takes you more than half an hour to get a ride you’re doing something wrong.
So I asked him what the right things to do were.
Apparently the ultimate hitchhiker should never wear sunglasses, hitch with the index finger as opposed to the thumb, look the driver straight in the eye, own a dog and wear the right clothes. He didn’t explain further about the ‘right clothes’ but I imagine a pair of jeans and T-shirt was more favorable say than a leotard with holes for the arse to hang out or a tshirt with the words "I Kill People with my Fist."

Here’s the ANDREW fact file.
AGE: 42
STATUS: Single
FAVORITE SONG: Pirate Jenny by Nina Simone
FAVORITE FILM: Kenneth Branagh's Henry the 5th
FAVORITE BOOK: Sidd Hartha by Herman Hesse
FAVORITE YEAR OF LIFE: This year. Because he doesn’t know what will happen next whereas every other year has already happened so are just memories.

GOAL FOR NEXT 12 MONTHS: To be a good English as a Second Language teacher. Being good at what he does is very important to Andrew.

SOMETHING THAT EXCITES ANDREW IS: Not knowing the future.

SOMETHING THAT PISSES ANDREW OFF IS: Spruikers in Rundle Mall. Particularly the guy at Woolworths. In fact when the spruikers aren’t looking, cheeky Andrew turns down the volume on their little speakers!
So if you’re a spruiker reading this and ever thought your speakers weren’t working and took them to get fixed only to have the repair man say they’re completely fine and thought to yourself ‘how mysterious,’ your mystery is now solved.

SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE ANDREW POPULAR AT DINNER PARTIES
WOULD BE: All the stories about the different characters who’ve picked him up on his hitchhiking adventures.
I asked him to recall such a tale. He said he got picked up by a guy who gauged how far he’d traveled by how many six packs he’d drunk. Andrew then noticed a bunch of empty bottles on the ground and decided to get out at the next stop.
I’m not sure if this was because of a morbid fear of empty bottles or because the man was getting drunker and drunker by the metre. More likely the latter because we all know how frustrating drunk people can be in conversation.

A BELIEF ANDREW WOULD INSTILL IN PEOPLE IF HE HAD THE POWER OF BRAINWASHING IS: Not to believe in fairy tales.
It’s fair to say I found this strange.
I don’t think I’ve ever met ANYONE who said they believed in fairy tales. Obviously Andrew had met so many that it was getting on his nerves.
I found this utterly bizarre and it must’ve shown because he went on to say that he wasn’t referring to the Brothers Grimm kind of fairytale, but the ones fueled by consumerism and religion. To Andrew people should be more questionable and skeptical of what they hear.

THOUGHTS WHEN I INITIALLY ASKED HIM FOR COFFEE: He couldn’t even remember. It hadn’t phased him at all it seemed.

THOUGHTS AFTERWARDS: "Mmm. Pretty good."
I was amazed at how little Andrew was phased by our interaction. It was if strangers asked him for coffee all time!
Andrew didn’t once question why I wanted to have coffee with him. In fact I don’t think he asked me any questions period! He didn’t give a toss about me at all! And I liked this! He didn’t care what my motivations were and he seemed to enjoy the idea of being on a sort of mock chat show. And it really did feel like one! In fact when he left I even said, "Well thanks for your time Andrew," and shook his hand.
I then had a sudden impulse to turn to the staff of Hudsons and say, "Andrew everybody! Let’s hear it! And now live in the studio please welcome the Veronicas…"
But I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t really like the Veronicas that much.

OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ANDREW
Andrew finds a tiger the size of a snail more threatening than a snail the size of a tiger, as the tiger-sized snail would fall over on its own weight therefore rendering itself useless in battle.

In the last 42 years Andrew has lived in 35 different houses!

It is Andrew’s aim to teach English in a different country each year for the next 7 years!

Andrew owns a laptop, ipod, TinTin shirt, velrco thongs, a book and a box of miscellaneous stuff and that’s it.

When Andrew left I felt a bit of a rush of euphoria. I was back baby! Strangers were on my side again! I practically skipped down the mall! Suddenly I spotted a shop front full of shirts that had the slogan ‘World Without Strangers.’
I nearly lost my mind! It was as if someone had made these t-shirts for me! All that was missing was a picture of my face with a slightly stalkish grin!
I immediately bought one! Then I realised a contradiction.

Why would I want a world without strangers?! How could I buy bloody coffees for strangers if there weren’t any bloody strangers to buy them for? I couldn’t wear this! What a waste of twenty bucks! But then I realised if I bought all the shirts on the display I could destroy them all and perhaps ensure the future of a stranger-filled world and thus the survival of my project! I did the maths and realised this would cost me about $10,000. Just for the shirts alone! That didn’t include three gallons of petrol, a fire-proof barrel, box of matches, safety officer, solicitor if things went wrong and bail money if things went really really wrong. Damn it! What was I going to do?
A) Distract the staff with a pantomime horse and a bloke dressed up as the Queen while I rob the store?
B) Go on Today Tonight and claim the shirt gave me leprosy and therefore cause a recall of all the shirts.
C) Tell a bikie the shirts slept with his missus and watch on as violence and hilarity ensure.
D) Come to terms with the shirt and actually use it to my advantage.

Either because I want to keep you in suspense or I have not legitimately decided which outcome will serve me best, you will have to wait till next time for the answer…

But Until Then,
Mark, Andrew and the frigin’ shirts!

THE FAILURES

Well I guess there is such a thing as "Beginners Luck."
That’s right! This week my dreams were shattered. Hopes destroyed. Aspirations stifled!
Santa brought no strangers for Mark this Christmas!
I must say this surprised me. It’s Christmas time! Shouldn’t people be in high spirits? Shouldn’t the city be full of generous, giving folk keen to share a coffee in this holiday season?
NO! Not the case!
I warn, you the following tale is no Christmas Carol. To some this may be a relief, but regretfully words such as joyful, triumphant, merry, happy and King Wenceslas will be absent.
This tale of doom starts at the Myer Centre food court where a short, black haired, middle-aged witch with warts all over her face, feaces in her hair and disgusting fire spitting maggots crawling out of her ears and mouth sat reading a book about raping children.

(Ok. Clearly this isn’t true but she was a bitch and I don’t like her and neither should you.)

"Hi, excuse me," I said, " I’m doing a little project where.."
"No." she replied.
I couldn’t understand. She had no idea what I wanted so how could she say no?
"But it’s just.." I tried.
"No-no-no!" she repeated!
I couldn’t believe it! Why couldn’t she just listen to me?! I was going to give her A FREE coffee. (I told you she was a bitch.)
"You don’t understand.." I tried again.
"NO," she stammered threateningly and then from her evil frothing witch mouth a hideous four-headed beast with gnashing razor sharp teeth flew out and made me listen to a Shannon Nole CD!
Dah the pain!!! So to defend myself I sang ‘Angels Brought Me Here,’ by Guy Sebastian in my best falsetto and the beast withdrew giving me time to run away and find solitude in the food courts of City Cross Arcade.

I rested and then spied a lady dressed in smartish business attire.
But can you believe this my friends, she also said NO!
But because she was nice to me, had a good reason, then talked to me a bit anyway I decided she was not an evil witch from hell.
She was a Union Rep and was about to meet someone for coffee.
What? Someone else was buying people coffee? I was outraged?!?! How could some else in Adelaide be having coffee with other people? That was MY idea!! I was furious at her!!
Before I could yell, her phone beeped and she explained that her business associate was on the way.
Mmm. Strangely it didn’t even occur to me that she might know the person she was having coffee with. Quite a big oversight on my behalf really.

So in my heart I forgave her, bid her farewell and bee-lined it across the food court to a young handsome man wearing a business shirt doing nothing.
I’m serious. He looked bored out of his wits. He was staring into space holding an empty water bottle. How bored can you be to resort to playing with a piece of rubbish?
There was no way he could use ‘BUSY’ as an excuse!!
Unless he’d specifically put aside this time to play with an empty water bottle, which isn’t that unusual as it is the No.1 pastime of people under three.
But he didn’t look under three. Unless he had the type of rich yuppie parents who take their kids to hair machine and Julique and give them infant bras so that they look 21 when they’re really 2.

Though I didn’t rule out the possibility this business man may be wearing a bra I deduced the absence of parents meant he was probably over three, maybe even over seven and I decided to approach.
As soon as I did it was clear he didn’t trust me.
I got this impression because he said, "I don’t trust you."
"Look all I want to do is get a you a coffee," I explained. "I’m not going to ask you for money or make you sign anything or try sell you some expensive bras for toddlers I promise." I reasoned.
"Ok. All right. Sure. I accept, but I still don’t trust you."

Wow this guy lived on the edge! He was certain I’d screw him over but was going to have coffee with me anyway! It was like an extreme sport for him! He could well die but he was still willing to take the risk!

Fearing he’d change his mind I quickly spurted out the words, "Great, what you want? Flat White? I’ll go get it! "
‘Wait. Wait!" he protested. "You’re going off to get a coffee from round there where

I can’t see you? You’re just some strange guy. How do I know your not going to put something in it?"

Mmm. That was a good point. And he was right! I was going to put one of those wooden paddle-pop shaped stirrers in his cup for his convenience.
Damn! How did he know this was my plan?? I decided to play it cool.
"Well ok." I offered, "YOU can go get the coffees if you like."
"No. If your really doing what you say your doing you can put it in your little thing that I said no and that was my reason."
I was a little stunned. I was ok about him saying no, but I HATED how he called what I did a ‘little thing.’
Fury entered me like wildfire! So I drugged him, took him round the corner to a dark alley, beat the living crap out of him and took his wallet!
I know you would’ve done the same.

This was ridiculous! I couldn’t handle this rejection. I moped to Southern Cross Arcade and spotted a thin trendy guy reading at a table that could have been arguably inside or outside (sound familiar?). I had a good feeling about him with obvious good reason.
But NO! My feelings had yet again played tricks on me for he was starting work in 5 minutes! DAMN IT! What was happening to me today?!?
As a consolation he was genuinely sorry, said he really liked the idea and offered me a cigarette. I said ‘No thanks," like a disappointed child who has pleaded for an ice cream but is offered a Gorillas turd instead.

In the short time that we spoke I learnt that ‘Mark,’ was a professional video editor and also worked in a Chemist. After talking about his interest in the human mind he said he liked my project a lot as it reflected true ‘tribal’ connecting, which was something he felt the cold ways of the internet was slowly killing.
If Mark liked my tribal ways I decided to appease him further by wailing and dancing a furious, naked corroboree about the nesting cycle of the brolga.
But before I could Mark had to shoot off to work but said I should try find him around the arcade some other time.

Damn it! Had he seen the brolga dance he would’ve been blown away and would’ve quit his job to have coffee with me I just knew it! But too late I was! And now my 0/4 score was severely effecting me!

I had to find someone! I was desperate!
So for ages I stalked looking for someone PERFECT.
Then I spotted a young man in a red shirt in The Myer Center. There was no time to lose! He had to be mine! So like a butterfly I decided to pounce.
(I know butterflies aren’t especially known for pouncing, but the way I eagerly yet non-threateningly hung about his left shoulder seemed to suit the pouncing techniques of a butterfly more than say a leopard who may have torn apart his stomach and eaten off his face.)
Maintaining an insect like stance, I introduced myself and he swiftly turned me down using the ‘have to go back to work!’ excuse.
No! NO! NO! NO! I couldn’t believe it!!
"I MUST convince him!" I thought! "He must be mine! God! I could kill him with my bare hands!!"
At least I think I’d thought it, but more likely I screamed it out loud at the top of my lungs. But just then I noticed he was wearing a shirt with an SA emblem.
"Ohh, you work for SA Great?" I asked.
"No I work for SA Tourism. Which is different," he answered.
YES!! I had a shoe in! I knew someone that worked for SA Great who I immediately name dropped hoping it would change everything!!
But he didn’t know them and he reminded me that he didn’t work for SA Great.
So I offered another name.
He didn’t know them either and he once again reminded me that he didn’t work for SA Great.

It’s not that I hadn’t heard him say he didn’t work for SA Great, it’s just that I didn’t want to believe it. He looked at me like I was deranged and I knew I was just kidding myself. So I bid him farewell wishing I’d used the pouncing the techniques of a more aggressive insect.

I’d failed! 0 out of 5. For the first time I’d miserably failed! As I walked down the mall I felt like weeping. Why didn’t anyone want to talk to me anymore?
Suddenly I was approached by a random hobo carrying a clothes rack that hung 14 hideously dirty backpacks and other carrybags of different descriptions.
"Oi, Iz made forty bucks on the bottles yesterday!" he proclaimed.
Wow!! Someone did want to talk to me!!
"Awesome!" I replied eagerly.
But then he turned away to give his attention to a nearby bin.
Rejected!
But I understood he hadn’t rejected me, he was just busy and dedicated to his cause. Just like everyone else had been that day. But the first thing he pulled out was an empty McDonalds food container that he studied with great interest and then decided to keep.
This made me sigh and I decided to call it a day and get MYSELF a free coffee.

I sat alone at ‘Hudsons’ sipping on my flat white feeling disappointed. Was it over? I thought about all the lovely people I’d met so far, Michelle, Kevin, Mark As Well, Greg and Morgan.
Yeah! Morgan! Morgan was so lovely that he promised to meet again to buy ME a free coffee and give me a book and CD he thought I’d like. He fulfilled this promise and we planned to catch up AGAIN in the New Year.
If worst came to worse and no one agreed to have coffee with me ever again I could always rename this blog "The Adventures of Mark and Morgan."

As I sat and pondered about Morgan and the festive season I realised I was due for some rejections. I’d been pretty lucky up till now really. And then I felt a little sad thinking how Christmas had made people more busy and knarcy than generous and spirited.
I pledged that I wouldn’t take this path. I decided "Can I Get You A Coffee?" would also have a holiday and I’d come back in the new year feeling fresh and ready to meet new and exciting strangers.
So NO! This tale will not end in doom and gloom! I refuse! And it WILL contain and conclude with the sweet, inspiring words of a Christmas Carol.

King Wenceslas.

A Happy New Year from,
Mark, Morgan (again), Mark As well II and the other four non-events.
xx