Hello and welcome to my latest entry. Lovely day isn’t it!
This week my search for strangers lead me to Westfield Marion.
It was my first outing since just before Christmas when I had a disastrous time being rejected by 5 people in a row including a guy who thought I was some psycho trying to drug him.
I felt like Rocky returning to the ring to fight after receiving a serious pounding.
But this was far worse because I wasn’t wearing a mouth-guard for protection.
As I paced the mall over and over I began to feel ill. I’d peer into cafes but just couldn’t bring myself to approach anyone. It was too hard. My metaphorical Rocky scars and bruises burned furiously every time I went near anyone.
But this was far worse because I wasn’t wearing a mouth-guard for protection.
As I paced the mall over and over I began to feel ill. I’d peer into cafes but just couldn’t bring myself to approach anyone. It was too hard. My metaphorical Rocky scars and bruises burned furiously every time I went near anyone.
So I just gave up. I was knocked out without even trying! I got a coffee at Hudsons by myself and did a bit of work on my laptop.
Minutes later a stocky bald man wearing a TinTin t-shirt sat down behind me and began to read. A book. (Sorry thought I’d better clear that up.)
I thought seriously about approaching him. But no! I’d already given up! I was finished! Down for the count!
Minutes later a stocky bald man wearing a TinTin t-shirt sat down behind me and began to read. A book. (Sorry thought I’d better clear that up.)
I thought seriously about approaching him. But no! I’d already given up! I was finished! Down for the count!
Twenty minutes went by and I just couldn’t concentrate. I kept looking back to see what he was doing. Mostly he would swap positions or undo then reapply the velcro straps on his sandals. He did this about six times.
I became painfully aware that counting how many times a complete stranger adjusts his sandals was a pretty weird thing to be doing.
I was kidding myself I had to approach him. NO! I couldn’t! I’d thrown in the towel! Game over! Besides half an hour had past he’d be going soon anyway.
Then I watched him undo his sandal again. That was 7 now.
This was ridiculous! I had to get out of here. But wait! This time he didn’t redo the strap! He took his whole sandal off! He was definitely NOT going soon! He was just getting comfortable! I had no more excuses.
I became painfully aware that counting how many times a complete stranger adjusts his sandals was a pretty weird thing to be doing.
I was kidding myself I had to approach him. NO! I couldn’t! I’d thrown in the towel! Game over! Besides half an hour had past he’d be going soon anyway.
Then I watched him undo his sandal again. That was 7 now.
This was ridiculous! I had to get out of here. But wait! This time he didn’t redo the strap! He took his whole sandal off! He was definitely NOT going soon! He was just getting comfortable! I had no more excuses.
I sighed heavily. Suddenly I got a message from No.5 Morgan asking if I’d like to catch up again! Would I?? Of course I bloody would! The message brought an instant smile to my face! Suddenly I was reinvigorated! It was like Morgan was Mickey the trainer, pumping me up and telling me to get back out there and fight!
So up I jumped! I threw off my robe and I thrust my fist right into the mans face! His entire jaw cracked and filled with blood as my hard knuckles knocked him out cold! Success! I was a hero again!
Of course this is just a metaphor for me politely asking the man if he’d like a coffee and him immediately offering me a seat! Before I’d even finished asking in fact!
Andrew must have been in a meeting strangers mood as he’d just had lunch in town with another stranger who he’d met over the internet in an ‘I-river’ chat room.
Andrew wasn’t actually ‘really’ from Adelaide.
When I asked him where he was ‘really’ from he answered with ‘everywhere.’
Right. This hadn’t narrowed things down much.
He’d just come from Hobart where he was teaching English and was in Adelaide to spend Christmas with his mother before jetting off to Korea to teach more English.
Of course this is just a metaphor for me politely asking the man if he’d like a coffee and him immediately offering me a seat! Before I’d even finished asking in fact!
Andrew must have been in a meeting strangers mood as he’d just had lunch in town with another stranger who he’d met over the internet in an ‘I-river’ chat room.
Andrew wasn’t actually ‘really’ from Adelaide.
When I asked him where he was ‘really’ from he answered with ‘everywhere.’
Right. This hadn’t narrowed things down much.
He’d just come from Hobart where he was teaching English and was in Adelaide to spend Christmas with his mother before jetting off to Korea to teach more English.
Andrew traveled a lot, in fact when he was 19 he spent 18 months hitchhiking around Australia! Wow! I would’ve given up after a day! But to stand out there for 18 months! That’s passionate that is!
Andrew quickly told me he’d actually taken several rides over that 18 month period and that in reality if it takes you more than half an hour to get a ride you’re doing something wrong.
So I asked him what the right things to do were.
Apparently the ultimate hitchhiker should never wear sunglasses, hitch with the index finger as opposed to the thumb, look the driver straight in the eye, own a dog and wear the right clothes. He didn’t explain further about the ‘right clothes’ but I imagine a pair of jeans and T-shirt was more favorable say than a leotard with holes for the arse to hang out or a tshirt with the words "I Kill People with my Fist."
Andrew quickly told me he’d actually taken several rides over that 18 month period and that in reality if it takes you more than half an hour to get a ride you’re doing something wrong.
So I asked him what the right things to do were.
Apparently the ultimate hitchhiker should never wear sunglasses, hitch with the index finger as opposed to the thumb, look the driver straight in the eye, own a dog and wear the right clothes. He didn’t explain further about the ‘right clothes’ but I imagine a pair of jeans and T-shirt was more favorable say than a leotard with holes for the arse to hang out or a tshirt with the words "I Kill People with my Fist."
Here’s the ANDREW fact file.
AGE: 42
STATUS: Single
FAVORITE SONG: Pirate Jenny by Nina Simone
FAVORITE FILM: Kenneth Branagh's Henry the 5th
FAVORITE BOOK: Sidd Hartha by Herman Hesse
FAVORITE YEAR OF LIFE: This year. Because he doesn’t know what will happen next whereas every other year has already happened so are just memories.
AGE: 42
STATUS: Single
FAVORITE SONG: Pirate Jenny by Nina Simone
FAVORITE FILM: Kenneth Branagh's Henry the 5th
FAVORITE BOOK: Sidd Hartha by Herman Hesse
FAVORITE YEAR OF LIFE: This year. Because he doesn’t know what will happen next whereas every other year has already happened so are just memories.
GOAL FOR NEXT 12 MONTHS: To be a good English as a Second Language teacher. Being good at what he does is very important to Andrew.
SOMETHING THAT EXCITES ANDREW IS: Not knowing the future.
SOMETHING THAT PISSES ANDREW OFF IS: Spruikers in Rundle Mall. Particularly the guy at Woolworths. In fact when the spruikers aren’t looking, cheeky Andrew turns down the volume on their little speakers!
So if you’re a spruiker reading this and ever thought your speakers weren’t working and took them to get fixed only to have the repair man say they’re completely fine and thought to yourself ‘how mysterious,’ your mystery is now solved.
So if you’re a spruiker reading this and ever thought your speakers weren’t working and took them to get fixed only to have the repair man say they’re completely fine and thought to yourself ‘how mysterious,’ your mystery is now solved.
SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE ANDREW POPULAR AT DINNER PARTIES
WOULD BE: All the stories about the different characters who’ve picked him up on his hitchhiking adventures.
I asked him to recall such a tale. He said he got picked up by a guy who gauged how far he’d traveled by how many six packs he’d drunk. Andrew then noticed a bunch of empty bottles on the ground and decided to get out at the next stop.
I’m not sure if this was because of a morbid fear of empty bottles or because the man was getting drunker and drunker by the metre. More likely the latter because we all know how frustrating drunk people can be in conversation.
WOULD BE: All the stories about the different characters who’ve picked him up on his hitchhiking adventures.
I asked him to recall such a tale. He said he got picked up by a guy who gauged how far he’d traveled by how many six packs he’d drunk. Andrew then noticed a bunch of empty bottles on the ground and decided to get out at the next stop.
I’m not sure if this was because of a morbid fear of empty bottles or because the man was getting drunker and drunker by the metre. More likely the latter because we all know how frustrating drunk people can be in conversation.
A BELIEF ANDREW WOULD INSTILL IN PEOPLE IF HE HAD THE POWER OF BRAINWASHING IS: Not to believe in fairy tales.
It’s fair to say I found this strange.
I don’t think I’ve ever met ANYONE who said they believed in fairy tales. Obviously Andrew had met so many that it was getting on his nerves.
I found this utterly bizarre and it must’ve shown because he went on to say that he wasn’t referring to the Brothers Grimm kind of fairytale, but the ones fueled by consumerism and religion. To Andrew people should be more questionable and skeptical of what they hear.
It’s fair to say I found this strange.
I don’t think I’ve ever met ANYONE who said they believed in fairy tales. Obviously Andrew had met so many that it was getting on his nerves.
I found this utterly bizarre and it must’ve shown because he went on to say that he wasn’t referring to the Brothers Grimm kind of fairytale, but the ones fueled by consumerism and religion. To Andrew people should be more questionable and skeptical of what they hear.
THOUGHTS WHEN I INITIALLY ASKED HIM FOR COFFEE: He couldn’t even remember. It hadn’t phased him at all it seemed.
THOUGHTS AFTERWARDS: "Mmm. Pretty good."
I was amazed at how little Andrew was phased by our interaction. It was if strangers asked him for coffee all time!
Andrew didn’t once question why I wanted to have coffee with him. In fact I don’t think he asked me any questions period! He didn’t give a toss about me at all! And I liked this! He didn’t care what my motivations were and he seemed to enjoy the idea of being on a sort of mock chat show. And it really did feel like one! In fact when he left I even said, "Well thanks for your time Andrew," and shook his hand.
I then had a sudden impulse to turn to the staff of Hudsons and say, "Andrew everybody! Let’s hear it! And now live in the studio please welcome the Veronicas…"
But I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t really like the Veronicas that much.
I was amazed at how little Andrew was phased by our interaction. It was if strangers asked him for coffee all time!
Andrew didn’t once question why I wanted to have coffee with him. In fact I don’t think he asked me any questions period! He didn’t give a toss about me at all! And I liked this! He didn’t care what my motivations were and he seemed to enjoy the idea of being on a sort of mock chat show. And it really did feel like one! In fact when he left I even said, "Well thanks for your time Andrew," and shook his hand.
I then had a sudden impulse to turn to the staff of Hudsons and say, "Andrew everybody! Let’s hear it! And now live in the studio please welcome the Veronicas…"
But I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t really like the Veronicas that much.
OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ANDREW
Andrew finds a tiger the size of a snail more threatening than a snail the size of a tiger, as the tiger-sized snail would fall over on its own weight therefore rendering itself useless in battle.
Andrew finds a tiger the size of a snail more threatening than a snail the size of a tiger, as the tiger-sized snail would fall over on its own weight therefore rendering itself useless in battle.
In the last 42 years Andrew has lived in 35 different houses!
It is Andrew’s aim to teach English in a different country each year for the next 7 years!
Andrew owns a laptop, ipod, TinTin shirt, velrco thongs, a book and a box of miscellaneous stuff and that’s it.
When Andrew left I felt a bit of a rush of euphoria. I was back baby! Strangers were on my side again! I practically skipped down the mall! Suddenly I spotted a shop front full of shirts that had the slogan ‘World Without Strangers.’
I nearly lost my mind! It was as if someone had made these t-shirts for me! All that was missing was a picture of my face with a slightly stalkish grin!
I immediately bought one! Then I realised a contradiction.
I nearly lost my mind! It was as if someone had made these t-shirts for me! All that was missing was a picture of my face with a slightly stalkish grin!
I immediately bought one! Then I realised a contradiction.
Why would I want a world without strangers?! How could I buy bloody coffees for strangers if there weren’t any bloody strangers to buy them for? I couldn’t wear this! What a waste of twenty bucks! But then I realised if I bought all the shirts on the display I could destroy them all and perhaps ensure the future of a stranger-filled world and thus the survival of my project! I did the maths and realised this would cost me about $10,000. Just for the shirts alone! That didn’t include three gallons of petrol, a fire-proof barrel, box of matches, safety officer, solicitor if things went wrong and bail money if things went really really wrong. Damn it! What was I going to do?
A) Distract the staff with a pantomime horse and a bloke dressed up as the Queen while I rob the store?
B) Go on Today Tonight and claim the shirt gave me leprosy and therefore cause a recall of all the shirts.
C) Tell a bikie the shirts slept with his missus and watch on as violence and hilarity ensure.
D) Come to terms with the shirt and actually use it to my advantage.
A) Distract the staff with a pantomime horse and a bloke dressed up as the Queen while I rob the store?
B) Go on Today Tonight and claim the shirt gave me leprosy and therefore cause a recall of all the shirts.
C) Tell a bikie the shirts slept with his missus and watch on as violence and hilarity ensure.
D) Come to terms with the shirt and actually use it to my advantage.
Either because I want to keep you in suspense or I have not legitimately decided which outcome will serve me best, you will have to wait till next time for the answer…
But Until Then,
Mark, Andrew and the frigin’ shirts!
Mark, Andrew and the frigin’ shirts!
2 comments:
Well Andrew seems like a great bloke...why did i ever stop wearing velcro sandals when i was little?? thank you andrew for this new found inspiration...
I like that of all of Andrews traits, it was velcro straps that inspired you most. Be sure to keep reading the blogs as alternative forms of foot-wear will continue to be refferenced as much as humanly possible!
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