THE FAILURES

Well I guess there is such a thing as "Beginners Luck."
That’s right! This week my dreams were shattered. Hopes destroyed. Aspirations stifled!
Santa brought no strangers for Mark this Christmas!
I must say this surprised me. It’s Christmas time! Shouldn’t people be in high spirits? Shouldn’t the city be full of generous, giving folk keen to share a coffee in this holiday season?
NO! Not the case!
I warn, you the following tale is no Christmas Carol. To some this may be a relief, but regretfully words such as joyful, triumphant, merry, happy and King Wenceslas will be absent.
This tale of doom starts at the Myer Centre food court where a short, black haired, middle-aged witch with warts all over her face, feaces in her hair and disgusting fire spitting maggots crawling out of her ears and mouth sat reading a book about raping children.

(Ok. Clearly this isn’t true but she was a bitch and I don’t like her and neither should you.)

"Hi, excuse me," I said, " I’m doing a little project where.."
"No." she replied.
I couldn’t understand. She had no idea what I wanted so how could she say no?
"But it’s just.." I tried.
"No-no-no!" she repeated!
I couldn’t believe it! Why couldn’t she just listen to me?! I was going to give her A FREE coffee. (I told you she was a bitch.)
"You don’t understand.." I tried again.
"NO," she stammered threateningly and then from her evil frothing witch mouth a hideous four-headed beast with gnashing razor sharp teeth flew out and made me listen to a Shannon Nole CD!
Dah the pain!!! So to defend myself I sang ‘Angels Brought Me Here,’ by Guy Sebastian in my best falsetto and the beast withdrew giving me time to run away and find solitude in the food courts of City Cross Arcade.

I rested and then spied a lady dressed in smartish business attire.
But can you believe this my friends, she also said NO!
But because she was nice to me, had a good reason, then talked to me a bit anyway I decided she was not an evil witch from hell.
She was a Union Rep and was about to meet someone for coffee.
What? Someone else was buying people coffee? I was outraged?!?! How could some else in Adelaide be having coffee with other people? That was MY idea!! I was furious at her!!
Before I could yell, her phone beeped and she explained that her business associate was on the way.
Mmm. Strangely it didn’t even occur to me that she might know the person she was having coffee with. Quite a big oversight on my behalf really.

So in my heart I forgave her, bid her farewell and bee-lined it across the food court to a young handsome man wearing a business shirt doing nothing.
I’m serious. He looked bored out of his wits. He was staring into space holding an empty water bottle. How bored can you be to resort to playing with a piece of rubbish?
There was no way he could use ‘BUSY’ as an excuse!!
Unless he’d specifically put aside this time to play with an empty water bottle, which isn’t that unusual as it is the No.1 pastime of people under three.
But he didn’t look under three. Unless he had the type of rich yuppie parents who take their kids to hair machine and Julique and give them infant bras so that they look 21 when they’re really 2.

Though I didn’t rule out the possibility this business man may be wearing a bra I deduced the absence of parents meant he was probably over three, maybe even over seven and I decided to approach.
As soon as I did it was clear he didn’t trust me.
I got this impression because he said, "I don’t trust you."
"Look all I want to do is get a you a coffee," I explained. "I’m not going to ask you for money or make you sign anything or try sell you some expensive bras for toddlers I promise." I reasoned.
"Ok. All right. Sure. I accept, but I still don’t trust you."

Wow this guy lived on the edge! He was certain I’d screw him over but was going to have coffee with me anyway! It was like an extreme sport for him! He could well die but he was still willing to take the risk!

Fearing he’d change his mind I quickly spurted out the words, "Great, what you want? Flat White? I’ll go get it! "
‘Wait. Wait!" he protested. "You’re going off to get a coffee from round there where

I can’t see you? You’re just some strange guy. How do I know your not going to put something in it?"

Mmm. That was a good point. And he was right! I was going to put one of those wooden paddle-pop shaped stirrers in his cup for his convenience.
Damn! How did he know this was my plan?? I decided to play it cool.
"Well ok." I offered, "YOU can go get the coffees if you like."
"No. If your really doing what you say your doing you can put it in your little thing that I said no and that was my reason."
I was a little stunned. I was ok about him saying no, but I HATED how he called what I did a ‘little thing.’
Fury entered me like wildfire! So I drugged him, took him round the corner to a dark alley, beat the living crap out of him and took his wallet!
I know you would’ve done the same.

This was ridiculous! I couldn’t handle this rejection. I moped to Southern Cross Arcade and spotted a thin trendy guy reading at a table that could have been arguably inside or outside (sound familiar?). I had a good feeling about him with obvious good reason.
But NO! My feelings had yet again played tricks on me for he was starting work in 5 minutes! DAMN IT! What was happening to me today?!?
As a consolation he was genuinely sorry, said he really liked the idea and offered me a cigarette. I said ‘No thanks," like a disappointed child who has pleaded for an ice cream but is offered a Gorillas turd instead.

In the short time that we spoke I learnt that ‘Mark,’ was a professional video editor and also worked in a Chemist. After talking about his interest in the human mind he said he liked my project a lot as it reflected true ‘tribal’ connecting, which was something he felt the cold ways of the internet was slowly killing.
If Mark liked my tribal ways I decided to appease him further by wailing and dancing a furious, naked corroboree about the nesting cycle of the brolga.
But before I could Mark had to shoot off to work but said I should try find him around the arcade some other time.

Damn it! Had he seen the brolga dance he would’ve been blown away and would’ve quit his job to have coffee with me I just knew it! But too late I was! And now my 0/4 score was severely effecting me!

I had to find someone! I was desperate!
So for ages I stalked looking for someone PERFECT.
Then I spotted a young man in a red shirt in The Myer Center. There was no time to lose! He had to be mine! So like a butterfly I decided to pounce.
(I know butterflies aren’t especially known for pouncing, but the way I eagerly yet non-threateningly hung about his left shoulder seemed to suit the pouncing techniques of a butterfly more than say a leopard who may have torn apart his stomach and eaten off his face.)
Maintaining an insect like stance, I introduced myself and he swiftly turned me down using the ‘have to go back to work!’ excuse.
No! NO! NO! NO! I couldn’t believe it!!
"I MUST convince him!" I thought! "He must be mine! God! I could kill him with my bare hands!!"
At least I think I’d thought it, but more likely I screamed it out loud at the top of my lungs. But just then I noticed he was wearing a shirt with an SA emblem.
"Ohh, you work for SA Great?" I asked.
"No I work for SA Tourism. Which is different," he answered.
YES!! I had a shoe in! I knew someone that worked for SA Great who I immediately name dropped hoping it would change everything!!
But he didn’t know them and he reminded me that he didn’t work for SA Great.
So I offered another name.
He didn’t know them either and he once again reminded me that he didn’t work for SA Great.

It’s not that I hadn’t heard him say he didn’t work for SA Great, it’s just that I didn’t want to believe it. He looked at me like I was deranged and I knew I was just kidding myself. So I bid him farewell wishing I’d used the pouncing the techniques of a more aggressive insect.

I’d failed! 0 out of 5. For the first time I’d miserably failed! As I walked down the mall I felt like weeping. Why didn’t anyone want to talk to me anymore?
Suddenly I was approached by a random hobo carrying a clothes rack that hung 14 hideously dirty backpacks and other carrybags of different descriptions.
"Oi, Iz made forty bucks on the bottles yesterday!" he proclaimed.
Wow!! Someone did want to talk to me!!
"Awesome!" I replied eagerly.
But then he turned away to give his attention to a nearby bin.
Rejected!
But I understood he hadn’t rejected me, he was just busy and dedicated to his cause. Just like everyone else had been that day. But the first thing he pulled out was an empty McDonalds food container that he studied with great interest and then decided to keep.
This made me sigh and I decided to call it a day and get MYSELF a free coffee.

I sat alone at ‘Hudsons’ sipping on my flat white feeling disappointed. Was it over? I thought about all the lovely people I’d met so far, Michelle, Kevin, Mark As Well, Greg and Morgan.
Yeah! Morgan! Morgan was so lovely that he promised to meet again to buy ME a free coffee and give me a book and CD he thought I’d like. He fulfilled this promise and we planned to catch up AGAIN in the New Year.
If worst came to worse and no one agreed to have coffee with me ever again I could always rename this blog "The Adventures of Mark and Morgan."

As I sat and pondered about Morgan and the festive season I realised I was due for some rejections. I’d been pretty lucky up till now really. And then I felt a little sad thinking how Christmas had made people more busy and knarcy than generous and spirited.
I pledged that I wouldn’t take this path. I decided "Can I Get You A Coffee?" would also have a holiday and I’d come back in the new year feeling fresh and ready to meet new and exciting strangers.
So NO! This tale will not end in doom and gloom! I refuse! And it WILL contain and conclude with the sweet, inspiring words of a Christmas Carol.

King Wenceslas.

A Happy New Year from,
Mark, Morgan (again), Mark As well II and the other four non-events.
xx